drenched with tears

Tonight, I am alone. I have set the mood of our room for memories of you who was once precious, but is now missing. I lighted some candles, searched for the worn out photos of yesteryear, dropped down the fake smile remembering your face… finally, allowed my self to really feel the pain. I need to cry, say, for ten minutes. I am allowing myself to despair and wail and cry. Then, take the next ten minutes to crank up some rhythmic music and express the pain physically – to clean my pad, scrub off the dirt in each and every corner. This will help me release my brain chemicals. Grief held inside a poison. Why should I cry hard for you. I’ll give you just ten minutes and I have to move on after that.

musing

I woke up very sad – I think melancholy is a great word. I want to claim it as mine. It fits me better. Well, at least it fits how I am feeling now. Work is fine. Training was tedious yet not boring, and definitely worthwhile. However, no matter how I try to cheer up, I still feel sad. I am very sad. Behind the smile, I am empty. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but yes, I was. I am.

Tomorrow is another day. A friday of solitude. I’ve got new acquaintances, new found companions which is in transition to be my new friends. It takes time to build real beautiful friendship. Hurrying will ruin the “true value” of it. I don’t have lots of friends. I prefer to be surrounded by real people and some will find that odd for someone like me. Well the truth is, they don’t know me enough to put a period on their impression of me. And I am not gonna move a single muscle to introduce or explain myself to someone who has formed an opinion about me based on what he or she heard from other people.

When you don’t talk for most of a day, it makes it harder when you do. And I am talkative. A chatterbox if surrounded by people I love. I passed by the coffee shop before I headed home today. I had difficulty talking to the starbucks ladies. It’s not normal. Not normal for me anyway. All of a sudden, I miss the only person I can speak with without running out of words or topic to dwell with. I miss the one who I turn to whenever I have doubts, or whenever I think of something smart to talk about. I miss my friend.

I’m tired and my bed is really pulling me now. I was suppose to write more stories, more nonsense, and edit my blogs. I’m getting lazy these days. It must have been my “not-so-good” health condition. It can be because of the ‘air’ at work which is not purged purely, that it left so many things hanging as well as questions unanswered. Or perhaps because I feel like I am growing old without getting anywhere. Too many to think about and my head is throbbing hard.

New work, new face, new acquaintances, new place, possible new friends, and new adventure each day. Sadly, some people are like the wind, it changes course too many times in a day. Some are okay today, some will not be tomorrow. There are people that are true from day one til now, some are friendly, some are nuts, some are poker face, some are too oblivious of themselves, some are just there. And some people are just there to pull one down, to gossip with, to be the pawn in a game, or be a subject of misjudgment. I hate to be on the receiving end of this kind of game. My luck seemed to ran out.

Sleepy. Sad. Over-fatigued. Stressed. Bothered. Misunderstood. Misjudged. Overlooked. Taken advantaged. Tired. Numbed. I wish I can be dumb even for just a day. So I won’t be questioning things that I can’t comprehend. If only life is as easy to discern as identifying black and white, then the possibility of choosing the right answer will increase to fifty percent. But life is not easy and there’s more color than just black and white. And no one can please anyone. I can’t be perfect just to fit people’s need of me.

I am just me. Perfectly imperfect. I don’t pretend and never will. I don’t judge and never will.  I don’t hate or harm people and never will. I simply want to co-exist and experience living under the sun using my own wings. I simply want to belong. No matter how odd I am to you, I am, my simplest me. And I am not changing.

I am sad. Now. Tomorrow.

I miss how to smile. I miss how to laugh. I miss how to wake up cheerful. I miss looking forward to another day. I miss engaging in a sensible argument. I miss being appreciated. I miss the feeling that I belong. I miss love. I miss being taken cared of. I miss a lot of things – my Nikon D5000, coffee, my best friend, camping, baking, Dada. I miss being whole.

This again is gonna be another terrible headache.

Friend Request Pending

Friend Request Pending.

i’m over you

*I’m over you.
I still feel the butterflies in my stomach when you walk by.
And I still save all of our chat & text messages.
I still feel a smile slip on my face at the sound of your name.
And I still think about you all the time.
When I enter a room, my mind always look for you first.
Your voice could still make me fall asleep.
You are breathtaking.
And I’ve never seen such a gorgeous smile.  
A knowing gorgeous smile from someone only to me is gorgeous.

But I’m over you…
Really, I am.
You cannot convince me otherwise.

*-*-*

Rain

… I feel sad and unloved.