A letter to my mother
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Dearest Mama,
You might not understand this fully just now which is why I will try to be profound about it.
First, I would like to tell you I love you, I know I haven’t told you this everyday, but I hope now you appreciate just how much I do love you.
I am very proud of you for the woman you are and for being a good mother to the six of us. There is no better person that fits the role but you. You have your shortcomings as a person, but nonetheless, who cares? You were too busy doing your role as a mother and also as the provider in behalf of my father. I know you are strong and you have great morals, values and principles, something I knew you have instilled in me, something I wish to pass to your future grandchildren.
I know you were disappointed when I get pregnant after college. I have made many mistakes and this one is the worst on your list. I know you were worried of and about me. I hope you have listenend when I said that no matter what happened, I will always be here for you and my siblings. This will not change no matter what my civil status states. I am always the rebellious daughter to you because I am outspoken and brutally honest, or tackless as you put it in your own words.But I know you can read and understand that I am unique and each of us your children has our own different personality. No worries, your lecture lingers and lessons are learned.
Then and now, on all the occasions you asked me to tidy my room, to wash the dishes, to do my own laundry, and to walk and talk with finese for a reason. I saw that, and I know you just wanted to teach me the value of working together and being part of the family.
I hope you have forgiven me for the times I always answer back, for telling lies, for the mistakes made. I realized that you were preparing me not only to become a better daughter, but a better person.
Remember the time I used to climb and jump and climb and jump on our wooden picket pence and I got into a little accident. You were worried so much you brought me to the doctor to fix my wounds, and I remembered crying out your name in each painful ‘doctor visit’. We had few of those and lots of just “okay moments”. We may not have the mother-daughter teenage bonding time, but we make do of what we have back then.
I remember one time that I accused you of not having the time for us, but you make up for it because you have all the time for our father. My young mind were not able to comprehend how relationship works then. Now, I understand things beyond my normal capacity to decipher. Again, I apologize for these thoughts. I am just merely reminiscing and bringing back old times help me improve as a person, as a daughter.
Lately, I have been going through trials and difficult times. I never told you, but you knew. Thank you for being there for me, when other people didn’t know what to do with me or for me when I was so raw with grief. I stayed in a friend’s house because I couldn’t even stand any more, I couldn’t breath any more, I was so full of pain. My tears won’t fall whenever I am at home, and I needed to go out before I suffocate. My tears just fall – while riding the jeep, or taking the cab, or in the fx. Tears fall without prior notice. For days, I was like these. Moving and living on auto-mode. I breathe for the responsibility I took – my brothers and sisters. I breathe because I am duty bound. I wake up for them. For two or three days, they are the only thread that kept me hanging. I forgot about you, Gilbert, Elle, everyone and everything. Suddenly, I felt tired and exhausted. I am merely existing, surviving and not living.
As my mother, you might have experienced that familiar connection we had even without me speaking aloud of my pains. Your messages soothed my bruised pride and wounded heart. You did not point out my errors though I know you wishes too. You’re afraid that I will escape thru suicide and you don’t know how to make me feel I will be okay in time. I admit that it did cross my mind, but I never had the tendency. I maybe weak mom, but never a coward. Suicide is cowardice. If that kind of escape promises heaven, and life of difficulty depicts hell, I’d rather stay in hell than resort to that.
Fearful, you stayed in the background praying for me and knowing that held me whole and let me cry and wail. You let me be raw. I thank you for this quiet time mama. This is when I needed you most, I’m just afraid to ask. I can never show anyone I am weak especially my siblings. I cannot cry in front of them. But I am hurt. I am in pain. Even strong people have their weakest point.
I am undergoing a process in which I am trying to change the course of our life, your life and mine by deviating from my comfort zone. I want to give you everything you deserve. Everything you rightfully deserve but never had. And this process is very painful and hard and it is testing my resolve whether I should give up or not. I will not give up. I have just began. The road to changing our life and giving our family what we rightfully deserve takes a lot of guts. That’s one special thing I got mom, guts. The courage to continue climbing to the top no matter how dark, long and winding the path is.
Last night, I realized that Gilbert, Elle, my siblings and Tani are just part of the equation. You on the other hand, is my ‘deepest why’. Thank you so much. For million things, for everything.
My biggest wish for you mama, is that you are happy and comfortable. And that I will be able to provide you the things father were not able to. In time. Just hang on for a little while. If anyone deserves the best, it is you. If I could, I would give you the world like you did to me many many times.
Love,
CeeAnn
14.571755
121.058350
Drifting,Stirring Silence of a Jaded Soul 